Relationships 101

"You're wise beyond your years." Something I've heard most of my life. Wisdom is a gift that I would be foolish not to share, especially when there are people in this world with no one to talk to. As a global community, we're all faced with hardships and questions that we don't always have the answers to. We are searching for guidance, maybe a little extra push in helping us decide what's best for us in the end. 

What I've decided to do is start an advice column. I've opened my life up to anyone and everyone that might have a question, concern, or topic that they'd like to have answered. I cannot tell you how to live your life or what it takes to truly be happy, because we are all very different and complex human beings. What makes me happy won't necessarily make you happy, but I can provide a bit of advice to anything and everything you might be questioning.

Today's topic is relationships, as the title suggested. I should have expected this. I have a lot of insight on a lot of things like traveling, writing, school, friendship, college, how to choose between one thing or the other, but I've never been the greatest with relationships. And thanks to this topic, my brother is walking around singing "I Want To Know What Love Is" by Foreigner. Hopefully the wisdom I was just preaching about a few paragraphs ago will kick in below.

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"The obsession with love and forever is scary for people like me. I know I love my boyfriend, but thinking about long term this soon in our relationship terrifies me. My friend tells me that I'm afraid to say 'I love you' because that will make it more real. I feel like I want to tell him, but I can't when I try. 
Does love necessarily mean 'forever' when so many people break-up?"

The idea of love is marketed through society as something that has to last forever in order to be real. Think about it. How many songs do you know links the words 'love' and 'forever' in the lyrics? Google it, if you have to. How many movie taglines or television shows tell you that real love lasts forever? Better yet… think about how you scroll through Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, or whatever and see those photos covered with cheap texts of quotes that Marilyn Monroe probably never really said. 

We are all programmed to believe that love has to be a certain way, which is bogus. 

The bottom line is, forever doesn't exist. Everything from the sun in the sky to the cereal in your pantry has an expiration date. The idea of forever was created simply because it sounds good. We prefer the idea of Best Friends Forever, for example, because no one wants to lose someone we love and trust. "Forever" is the idea that nothing will end, so we created this notion of eternity and attached it to things that we fear might not survive through time. But forever doesn't "sound" good to you, does it? Just take forever out of the equation. Think about love the way you seemingly already do. Live in this moment and don't worry about how it will end. Worrying about the ending makes you forget the middle parts. That's like eating pie for the crush. It's the filling that we all want most.

Think about your boyfriend instead. How happy you are to see his name pop up on your phone. What it feels like to have him hug you, kiss you, or listen to you when you need someone to talk to. Not being able to tell someone you love them at a young age with the fear of "forever" weighing down on you is not easy. You can't rush that sort of thing. You can't rush love just like you can't rush water to boil, or the needle on a clock to spin. I know the whole "when the time is right" line has been stressed so much that it is starting to lose meaning, but there is still a lot of truth in it. When you are ready to say I love you, you'll be able to say it. It's as simple as that. Take your time and enjoy what you have.

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"A friend of mine has been dating a man on and off for two years. They break up often for the same reasons. He is 49 years old, living with his mom and dad, but he is a professional man with a steady job. She has her own place and is a self-sufficient woman. The two love one another, but he will not commit. (Become engaged or get married) His family does not like her and she is not allowed at his parent's home. Does she continue to date him or move on?

This is a mistake that the majority of women make. They invest so much of their time into someone that just simply isn't right for them. As women, we can become so attached to the idea of someone that we begin to create a man to be more than what he really is. Women will literally cling to the same man, no matter how unsatisfactory the relationship is, because we believe that one day the relationship will be what we need and want it to be.

Personally, I think she should move on from him. She should find someone she is more compatible with, someone that makes being together much easier. There are a number of men out there who are better suited to meet her same expectations in a relationship. She just has to find it in her to search.

The dating world is like a shark tank. No one wants to dip their toes in the water in fear of getting bit. I'm sure this woman has probably had her fair share of failed relationships, marriages, dates, whatever the case may be. We all get to that point where we don't want to break things off with someone simply because we are terrified of the idea of having to find someone else. We have to start the whole "get to know you" process over again with someone that will probably fail just like the last one, so what we do is continue in a relationship long after it's already over. 

What I think she should do is talk with this gentleman, though I'm sure she already has. We're women. We talk. But this time she needs to let him understand what she wants in the long run. Explain to him that commitment is important and that if he wants the relationship to continue, there has to be sacrifices on both sides. 

If he can't meet her halfway, then I truly believe she should move on. That's a choice only she can make, but on that note, remember that love worth having won't be so hard.

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How do you get the attention of a girl that you are interested in without appearing too pushy?

There are a million ways to get a girls attention. Smile at her. Send her a message. Comment on her statuses occasionally. Work on your posture. Take some time into your appearance. Compliment her. Ask for her number. All of these things can easily get a girls attention without being pushy.

But the most important thing you can do is be honest with her from the start. If you are interested in her, tell her. Before you roll your eyes and sigh, listen to what I have to say. Women love a man with confidence, a man that knows what he wants and goes for it.

You know that whole "bad boy" thing women are obsessed with? Have you ever broke down the attributes of a "bad boy"and thought about why women want something like that? The Bad Boy Theory is much more complex than wanting a man with a motorcycle and a pack of Marlboro reds.

Women want a man that is confident. He says what he means and he tells her what he wants.

You don't have to be perfect; you just have to believe in yourself and your capabilities. When a girl grabs your attention, pursue her. If she isn't interested, you'll know. When she isn't, let it be what it is and move on. The great thing about men and women is that there are plenty of them. When one doesn't see you for the charming and intellectual man that you are, move on to the next without a second thought.  

Rejection is not failure. Rejection is simply that bump in the road that jolted you a little bit. Keep driving.

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How do you keep a relationship from heading towards the friend-zone?

Men and women both occasionally find themselves living and learning in what we call the dreaded Friend Zone, that awful place in a relationship where one person wants to be romantically involved but the other only wants to be friends. The major mistake we make when it comes to the Friend Zone is believing that it is something that can be avoided.

I'm not saying that once you plummet into the Friend Zone that you can't somehow find your way out. Anyone that's watched He's Just Not That Into You knows that there is always an exception to every rule, but it is notoriously difficult to escape that forsaken place.

What I'm trying to say is that there isn't a list of things you can do to keep yourself from it. There isn't a recipe or a step by step guide that will help you keep from having someone only want to be your friend.  If the connection is there, it's there. If it's not, it's not. People don't realize how simple that is because we are so absorbed in emotions that we don't want to consider the fact that the feelings we have are one-sided. 

A trusty male friend of mine weighed in on "what women should do" when it comes to a relationship and the friend-zone. He said that the best thing you can do when it comes to a man you are interested in is confront him with your feelings. Tell him straight up that you are interested. Make the first move. Men will know from the start if they're interested or not.

He's right. Men are just as insecure as we are. Yeah, they'd rather sell their truck or break their Xbox than admit it… but they have the same fears that we do. They fear rejection and putting their heart out there for a girl without knowing what she'll do with it. Cut them some slack, ladies. We are more than capable of flirting and pursuing a guy. He'll probably even appreciate the fact that he doesn't have to do all the work. Ask him for his number. I'm sure that probably hasn't happened often for him. It'll be a change of pace. 

Forget about the friend-zone until you are for sure that you're in it.

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"Y all girls cheat after there guy treat them like queens? and all girls take advantage of em cause they know, the guy will never leave em, so do y'all like having a challenge and be treated like we don't care?" 

Translated: Why do girls cheat when their guy treats them like a queen? They take advantage of them because they know the guy will never leave them. Do women like having a challenge and being treated like men don't care?

Before I start on tangent, let me clear up my view of cheating. I don't condone it. I think it is disrespectful to do something like that to a person you claim to love or care about. If someone isn't giving you what you need in a relationship, either talk about the issue and work things out… or move on. Don't toy with someone's trust because once someone has been burned, it ruins them for the next person that comes along.

With that being said, there are a number of reasons why women (and men) both cheat… They're unhappy. They're bored. It just happens. They were in the moment. Someone was giving them what you weren't, whether that be an emotional connection or otherwise. Maybe you were their second option to being with? Sometimes women rebound without ever really being over the first guy. When said "first guy" dances his way back into her life, the chances of her giving in are pretty high.

It could be that they're not getting out of their boyfriend, partner, whatever, what they truly want or need in a relationship. They want something more, something thrilling. If the intimacy dies out, the fun is dull, and your love life loses that spark, then one of you is going to start looking for what you lack in someone else. It's awful. I know. But this is how the world turns. The idea of not being enough for the person you care about stings. 

Fellas, you may treat us like a queen, but sometimes we need to be treated like the side-chick. Remember the Bad Boy Theory I was harping on earlier? Let's discuss a few more of those "attributes." 

(Side note: I do not speak for all women.)

He is no one's doormat. Nice guys are taught to believe that women like bad boys because we like being treated badly. Well, that's not true. What is true is that we like a guy that stands up for himself. A man that's too nice tends to be taken advantage of because she knows that she has him wrapped around her finger. She can do what she wants and he will let her, and then more than likely forgive her for everything she's done. A Bad Boy never hesitates to stand up for what he believes is right. A Nice Guy tends to accommodate his girl even if he doesn't necessarily believe in what she's saying. Sometimes women really do need to be put in their place and deep down, we like it.

Note that when I say we need to be put in our place, I do not mean result to violence. We want to be respected and appreciated, but not to the point to where it's just too much. It is exhausting to have someone text you over and over about how beautiful and great you are. Have a little mystery about you. Don't let us always know what you are thinking, but don't leave us guessing all the time. Find a balance.

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There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for those of you that submitted questions. Some of you asked the same question in a different sentence structure, but I tried to loop them together and make sure everyone's question was included. I hope that I've covered the majority of what you were asking. I tend to ramble quite a bit, but hopefully you aren't sound asleep right now with your face pressed into your keyboard.

Feel free to comment below on your opinions, thoughts, additional information that you'd like to add. I'd be glad to hear criticism, whether it be harsh or positive. 

Think on a topic for the next blog. Anything and everything is fair game. I look forward to your questions and thank you for reading.

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Stay gold, Ponyboy.